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I think I should go to bed now. But I don’t want to go to bed! But I need to go to bed. I need to sleep more. But I have so much to do! But I need to go to bed. I’m going to bed.12.34am
I can’t sleep. I should have read. Maybe I’ll read. Wait, if I turn on the light, I’ll wake Boyfriend up. Maybe I should leave the room and get some work done. Then I’ll be tired tomorrow. Then I won’t go to the gym. I’m fat! I need to go to the gym! Okay, if I close my eyes long enough, I’ll fall asleep. Okay, breathing exercises, go: In… out. In… out.
In… out. In…-grits teeth.-…out. In…-mumble curse mumble curse.-… out. This isn’t fucking working. FUCK. This is fucked. Life is fucked. I want to die. You sleep when you die. I probably wouldn’t, though. I would probably be an insomniac in my grave. Is that limbo? That would suck. Those poor people in limbo.
This still isn’t fucking working. It’s 1.20am and this isn’t fucking working. -reaches into drawer- I have sleeping pills! I’ll take sleeping pills! They’ll help me sleep!
Stupid over-the-counter WASTE OF MY FUCKING SWALLOW. These are supposed to work. Why aren’t they working? Is there something wrong with me? Well, yes, there are many things wrong with me. Now I’m an INSOMNIAC, TOO? Intelligent design my ass! Okay, breathe. In… out. In… out. Stupid fucking intelligent design. IT’S NOT EVEN REAL!
Sleeping pills have forsaken me. What’s next, my LIBERTY? Okay, panicking isn’t going to help. Try thinking of something else. Those shoes I bought today! Oh… yes. Those shoes. They’re pretty. But wait… I shouldn’t have bought the shoes. I have a rent that I can’t pay, and a credit card bill that isn’t going away, and… oh, I want to go to Bali! Oh, Bali would be so nice! But wait… I can’t afford Bali! Why am I even THINKING about Bali? It’s costing me precious time that should be spent sleeping. Try and sleep. What would the Dalai Lama do? Maybe I should shave my head.
-Wakes up, sweating- did I really just dream about Bali? But I told myself I couldn’t go! Why won’t I ever listen to myself? -looks at time.- Great, it’s 2.35 fucking am. I’ve taken sleeping pills and I’M STILL AWAKE. Now I’ll be a complete vegetable tomorrow. Wait, that might help me cope better. But, so much for the gym! I’ll be tired, and fat! WHY? -channels Nancy Kerrigan.- WHYYYY MEEEE?
It’s 3.43am and I still haven’t slept. Not even for a second. What have I been doing all this time? Oh, that’s right. Tossing and turning to the image of my shoes being burned on a cross on the beaches of Bali. And I can’t call in sick tomorrow, because I’m the only one there. This is FUCKED. The inability to call in sick is FUCKED. I hate my life.
It’s 4 mother fucking 57 in the mother fucking morning and I still haven’t slept. I STILL HAVE NOT SLEPT. –nudges Boyfriend.- I haven’t slept all night! How dare you sleep in front of me! –Boyfriend remains asleep.- I’m breaking up with him. How dare he sleep! He doesn’t care that I can’t sleep at all!
Am I really still awake? Is this REALLY happening to me?
I haven’t slept all night. Not a wink. -Boyfriend kisses me goodbye.- Thinking of relaxing when you get home? YOUR GIRLFRIEND CAN’T SLEEP AND YOU CAN. CLEAN THE HOUSE.
-Falls deep asleep. The Carebears appear.-
-The Carebears start playing the radio.-
I think I can finally sympathise, Nancy Kerrigan. Why us indeed.
words: Seema Duggal