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Five things to avoid when typing.

1) Acronyms. LOL.
What does that even mean? Lol? Are you trying to throw up? Do you need me to choke you? I don’t understand, and quite frankly, I don’t want to, because I know for a fact that LOL is not a word. Just like BRB is not a word, or LMFAO. The first sounds like a baby’s burp, and the latter like an acronym for a UFO tracking device. If the English language were really that ugly, this post would sound like GERB. DER! PMU? It doesn’t, and that’s a good thing. Please don’t change it.

2) Multiple exclamation points!!!!
Nothing is so important that it warrants multiple exclamation points. Not even your death! Note the one exclamation point. Multiple exclamation points just make it sound as though you’re having a seizure while you’re writing, and you can’t seem to stop the shaking!!! If this is the case, tranquilisers allegedly work wonders.

3) WRITING IN ALL CAPS.
Don’t you hurt yourself when you type in caps? Because my voice hurts when I scream, and sometimes, windows shatter. Really, typing in caps is totally unnecessary. After all, you can express your anger just as effectively with one exclamation point! Unless you feel compelled to raise your voice because oh, I don’t know, you’ve been shot, please don’t raise your letters either.

4) writing completely in lowercase.
This is confusing. Are you trying to be cute? Pass for someone younger? Rebel against the rules of grammar? Typing completely in lowercase is the equivalent of baby talk; it’s a sham and it’s slightly disturbing. There’s nothing you can really do to become a baby again, just as there is nothing you can do to change what needs to be capitalised. It may be sad, but that’s life for you.

5) Yewwwww, grrrrrl and dffrnt wys to spl urbn slng, yo.
Yew is not a word. The closest translation is “you” and it doesn’t really make sense how one goes from you to yew unless there’s some puke along the way. As for grrrrrl, that’s really just girl plus growl with a little bit of drool thrown in there. The previous examples along with the practice of cutting vowels out of words aren’t clever, nor do they save all that much time, so using them pretty much just makes you a failure at being lazy, which has got to be the worst kind of failure there is, really. Typing English the right way may require a little more effort than not, but then again, not acting like a dimwit often does.



words: Seema Duggal

4 comments:

August 12, 2010 at 11:14 AM bastardang said...

That's a pretty random bit of grammar pedantry. What is the purpose of posting this? Beyond that, in reference to the whole article, says who? Side Street? And why should I do what you say? And why should anybody? Because you will judge me? Well bully for you.

If this was in reference to professional writing, you should have specified, and if not, it's just bossiness.

August 12, 2010 at 1:24 PM Bike the Builder said...

Erm, I agree wholeheartedly with this article - people who commit the above transgressions are simply butchering the English language. Anyone offended by it should redirect their angry energy into actually learning some grammatical rules and then they may not need to be so defensive.

Speaking of butchering the language - why not do an article on weasel words? I hate them.

August 12, 2010 at 3:20 PM ivan said...

"Unless you feel compelled to raise your voice because oh, I don’t know, you’ve been shot, please don’t raise your letters either."

The syntax in this sentence is invalid. Stop butchering the English language, you dimwit.

August 12, 2010 at 3:28 PM Anonymous said...

"Speaking of butchering the language - why not do an article on weasel words?"

Speaking of butchering the language, you used a hyphen instead of an em dash.

 
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