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Into the Fold

I'm lying back with my eyes closed – not too tight but just comfortably so that my lids don’t have to strain and wrinkle. I feel in an almost trance-like state. Even from just closing my eyes and lying back I feel like I’m made of stones and that I’m weighing the bed down. I imagine the mattress sagging in the middle, so that it brushes against all the dead bugs on the floor. This is probably the closest that I’ve ever come to spirituality, excluding getting all into Wiccan as most middle class girls do at some point in their teenage years. Oh, and there was that other time I helped shave a crucifix into Jarrod’s leg hair. He was one of those born-agains who rebelled against his atheist upbringing by worshipping either the devil, or, worst still, Christ. Anyway, let’s just say lying back with my eyes closed was a wholesome, nice thing, sort of like eating a warm cookie straight out of the oven, you know. That’s what this awakening is like for me. Next I take a few deep breaths, making sure to draw them out extra long so that my lungs don’t burst like pink bubblegum and ruin this self-constructed semi-comatose. Then I fall into the darkness behind my eyes. I mean this in an almost literal sense. I am disconnected from my limbs. It is like when you have a half-dream of falling backwards off a chair, where you jolt so suddenly back into being and are then somewhat surprised that you still exist. I see a tiny universe with little white pinprick stars glistening like glitter in hot cement. Saturn is spinning in the foreground. That’s the thing: what I’m seeing is not two-dimensional, it’s like my own life-sized diorama where instead of planets being made from Styrofoam balls, they are real. I feel like I’m at the helm of a space ship, driving through this constellation and looking through goggles at the endless pit of shiny black lacquered tar. I am being swallowed and the way in which I am completely engulfed by the mouth of this vast nothingness is almost sensual. I am intrigued, and ready to be taken whole by this greedy lover sprawled out around me. I let my vision wander into the abyss. It’s as though I am a particle flying through space, and, just as you would expect a particle to be, I am really quite apathetic about the whole thing now. Tacky highway-style lights and 24-hour cafes appear around me. No one ever tells you this, but space – the universe, the solar system, everything – is just like a casino: bright, alluring, full of lust and vice. Everything is cast in neon light. I have entered the fold.

words: Ingrid Kesa


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